by Brina Aug. 21, 2019
In honor of Taylor Swift’s upcoming new album, I thought I’d take some time to answer the big question on everyone’s minds: which Taylor Swift song should be your favorite gymnast’s floor routine?
Remember how this is a blog for quantitative analysis of gymnastics data? Yeah.
Long Live - Simone Biles
Five-time all-around World Champion, five Olympic medals, two named skills, and she’s just getting started — so long live the walls that Simone Biles has crashed through. Watching her sky-high triple double a few weeks ago, we can all agree that magic was made. And when it comes to institutions like USAG that have let her down, I say bring on all the pretenders. She’s not afraid.
Style - Sanne Wevers
If there’s one gymnast who goes round and round each time, it’s the queen of turns, Sanne Wevers. With her emphasis on dance elements and perfect execution, she’s definitely got that classic thing that I like. Her gold medal beam routine from the Rio Olympics will never go out of style.
You Belong With Me - Mai Murakami
Due to the Japanese federation’s strict selection procedures, it looks like Mai Murakami will spend the 2019 World Championships on the bleachers. It’s sort of insane. She’s been world champion on floor and topped domestic meets time and time again. Every time she throws a massive Moors, she probably thinks, “Hey, isn’t this easy?” If Japan doesn’t qualify a full team to Tokyo, the country will wake up and find that what they’re looking for has been here the whole time: consistent all-arounder, powerhouse tumbler, and longevity queen Mai Murakami.
Shake It Off - Gabby Douglas
Do I need to explain this one? Douglas has been unfairly maligned for everything from her pose during the national anthem to the hair on her head. More than any other gymnast, she has had to learn that haters gonna hate. Hate hate hate hate.
We Are Never Getting Back Together - Jordan Chiles
Just months after switching coaches, Jordan Chiles had the meet of her life at the US National Championships. She hit all eight routines over two days of competition and had the highest execution score of any senior competitor. Her performance sent a major message to her old coach: “we are never ever ever getting back together.”
Out of the Woods - Larisa Iordache
Each time Larisa Iordache posts about training bars on Instagram, I hold my breath and wonder, is Romanian gymnastics is out of the woods yet? Are they in the clear yet? The answer for Romania, and for Taylor’s doomed affair with Harry Styles, is clearly no. And after countless surgeries, Larisa wishes the story ended with a mere twenty stitches in a hospital room.
Dear John - Aly Raisman
In Dear John, a brutal indictment of John Mayer, Taylor showed that she’s not afraid to call out the powerful men who have tried to manipulate her. Aly Raisman has taken the same attitude towards former USAG CEO Steve Penny, calling him out for taking advantage of gymnasts who are too young to be messed with. Between the restrictive national team agreements, the carefully controlled media access, and the exploitative tour contracts, gymnasts essentially lived in Penny’s chess game. Aly sees it all now, and it was wrong.
End Game - Aliya Mustafina
Anchoring lineup after lineup, Aliya Mustafina has been the end game of Russian gymnastics for almost decade. She’s the first string, the A team, and the proud possessor of seven Olympic medals. Aliya doesn’t love the drama, but the drama loves her — by which I mean that Valentina Rodienko loves to announce dramatic things about her to the press. Through style, grace, and sheer determination, she has certainly earned a big reputation.
You Need to Calm Down - Morgan Hurd
Another year, another collective freak out about Morgan Hurd. Every time we all think Hurd isn’t ready for prime time, she delivers a performance that sends one message loud and clear: you need to calm down. If earning five world medals hasn’t earned her a metaphorical crown, I don’t know what will. So can you just not step on her gown?
Who did I miss? What did I get wrong? Let me know in the comments!
Tags: Random Nonsense